Blasted Contractors!
Work is a disaster. The blind leading the blind leading the Force-choked.
Cracking the whip. Setting a new tone of efficacy around the Death Star.
Due to the haste with which we are proceding through the latter phases of this battle-station's construction we have been forced to employ scores of civilian contractors from across the galaxy in addition to our own Imperial Corps of Engineers. This had led to a certain clash of working cultures.
For instance, this morning I critiqued a tragically sub-par piece of workmanship on a tractor-beam repulsolift inversion assembly by snapping the neck of the site supervisor and throwing his limp corpse down a disused elevator shaft.
Imperial engineers would have snapped to crisp attention, of course, but all these civilian contractors did was give me was grief. "Oy, you do that again and I'll have the union on you!" barked one red-faced buffoon.
"It is vital that you enhance the inter-departmental syngergies of your operation," I said. And then I killed him.
On a more positive note the world-smashing superlaser seems to be working admirably, much to the relief of the stress-incontinent Moff Jerjerrod (and the relief of his cleaning service). The lower ranks now giggle when he enters the room, whispering about yesterday's chat in the landing hangar in which Jerjerrod greeted the news of Emperor Palpatine's imminent inspection by losing control of his bowels. Though no one let on at the time, you knew they had to be smelling it. It was certain they not be able to hold off on the jokes for long, since Fett's penchant for toilet humour is famous and every cloned trooper is a reflection of that spirit.
After destroying one of Endor's lesser moons I treated the men to a round of Corellian wine. Admiral Piett signalled from Executor that the moon has been completely incinerated, reducing the likelihood of damage from the kind of outflying debris we saw when we toasted Alderaan. The safety control officer was tickled pink.
Tomorrow I have elected to take a tour of the facilities on the forest moon below. My office is packing a picnic.
Posted by Darth Vader at 04:11
: Kindle Novella
71 Comments:
This is still so good. Keep up the good work Lord Vader.
ps, rheader's never seen Star Wars? On what distant planet is he/she from??? *LOL*
To: Lord Darth Vader
From: Galen Utapi
Public Relations
Office of Intergalactic Ecology
Lord Vader, (Darth)
It has come to the attention of this office that the Death Star Mark II has recently conducted a test of it's superlaser on one of the moons of the Endor Gas Giant.
While our office is proud of the technological achievements of the Empire, we would sternly caution you to consider the repercussions of destroying planetary bodies on a whim.
Destruction of planetary bodies, even one as insignificant as a lesser Endorian moon can have serious ecological repercussions throughout the galaxy. Changes to the local gravitational field may well impair astrogation in the sector and may also affect the stable orbits of the remaining objects in orbit around the gas giant.
While we understand that the moon you destroyed was uninhabitable, we ask that you consider the affects it may have on the Sanctuary Moon, both ecologically and to the primitive primate culture that exists there. You may well have destroyed a stellar object of cultural or religious significance to the local primate culture - possibly forcing them to re-evaluate their spiritual culture and choose alternative gods.
On a positive note I will say that we are very pleased that the Death Star Mark II was able to completely incinerate the moon, and will not lead to another disaster like the Alderranian Asteroid belt. (Between you and I Darth, they can call it an asteroid belt all day, but it's still just a debris field.)
I thank you for you time and for your consideration of Galactic Ecology when conducting further tests.
Respectfully yours,
Galen Utapi
Public Relations
Office of Intergalactic Ecology
s/the moon was been/the moon had been/
Otherwise, excellent as usual.
This remains the single most brilliant blog on the www.
Storm troopers are not clones.
Planning a picnic!!!!! Come 'on! Are you watching Dtr. Phil again? You really need to get back on track. Killing a couple of contractors a day is just not enough. Get out there and start kicking some rebel ass.
You are getting old and soft. If you are not careful this Skywalker twerp is going to hand you your head soon.
Snap out of it man!
Truely Lord Vader, your management skills are legendary! I beg of you, write a book on your management style so we lesser managers can learn from your infinate wisdom. While certainly we would not be able to crush a trachea with the force, we common men could learn much from your techniques.
Again, such brilliance! I wish you all the best in your plans to get this Death Star online and operational on schedule. You are an inspiration to us common people Lord Vader!
Brilliant! I stumbled across your blog while working on my own and I am transfixed! One more way to wile away the day! I do have a question though, how many contractors are on the Death Star and do they know the risks?
TO: Lord Darth Vader
FROM: Arn Tulpepa, Director, Coruscant Zoological Park Preserve
RE: Animal request
Lord Vader,
We regret to inform you that portions of your request for animal procurements have been denied. Currently the following creatures that you ordered are on the Imperial Endangered Species list:
Acklay
Kelanian Shark
Dia Nogu
Gundark
Rancor
Wampa
Due to a recent population explosion on their native planet, I am able to provide you a plentiful supply of womp-rats (~2 meters). Reeks remain plentiful so those will be shipped as soon as possible. I am puzzled at your continuing request for Alderaanian Fruit Bats, as I have repeatedly told you they are extinct. Please do not request them again.
We here at the Coruscant Preserve are honored you have chosen us to supply the new animal park on your space station. We trust they will all be treated humanely and not used to trap unwary stowaways or as methods of execution, as was widely rumored several years ago.
Yours,
Arn Tulpepa
To: Lord Darth Vader
From: Jardu the Hutt's office
Intergaltic Workers Union
Office of Intergalactic Ecology
Lord Vader, (Darth)
It has come to my attention that you have executed certain members of our union. We have reserved all rights to execute said individuals.
As you neither asked for nor received permission to execute any union members, We believe you have willfully infringed our rights under 17 I.C. Section 104 et seq. and could be liable for statutory damages as high as 150,000 credits as set forth in Section 54(c)(8) therein.
We demand that you immediately cease the execution and destruction of all workers and that you desist from this or any other infringement of our rights in the future. If we have not received an affirmative response from you by next week indicating that you have fully complied with these requirements, we shall take further action against you.
Very truly yours,
Jardu the Hutt
wow! you're a great story teller! if only you made films... star wars would no longer be fantasy but alive in our living rooms.
Stern but fair is how I would describe you Lord Vader. I wish my boss was thoughtful enough to pack a picknick on work related outings.
Respectable Lord Vader,
Thank you for the good luck wishes on behalf of my hopelessly barbarian profession.
Nothing would be more wonderful than being able to support thy work with the knowledge and expertise (and easily rechargeable, no-sleep-needing energy) of the likes of a 2-1B Medical Droid, a 4-KT or an MD-OC6.
Yet here we are... hoping to one day accomplish a fraction of what your galaxy considers old day technology which, I presume, you, more than anyone, find it to be essential to your daily life.
On this regards, may I ask, respectable Lord Vader... how do you interpret and intertwine your dependence upon mere technology with the freedom of spirit provided by the sheer power of the Force?
For ever thankful, your dedicated reader,
Dr. C. Romay
Da Force Monkey sez:
"Contractors. Squish 'em all."
Dear Lord Vader,
Please accept my premature condolences for your typist. As I'm sure you've noted, the next-to-last paragraph contains a grammatical error:
Admiral Piett signalled from Executor that the moon was been completely incinerated...
Please note that my condolences are for you, not your soon-to-be-force-choked secretary, as now you have to deal with this personally and surely you have better things to do.
My most esteemed Lord Vader:
I have a few questions that I would most appreciate if you could answer.
1. Why, if you had been serving the emperor for more than 20 years, was Grand Moff Tarkin "holding your leash"? I mean, you had killed the Jedi for the Emperor and yet you still had to obey that other guy. He stopped you from crushing a trachea, for goodness' sake!
2. Why did it take more than 20 years to build the first death star? Count dooku gave the emperor the plans that long ago.
3. Why are your architect/engineers so enamored of huge, vertigo-inducing pits even in the most inapropriate places? Doesn't anybody in your galaxy suffer from acrophobia?
3. Speaking of architect/engineers. Has anybody on your design engineering crew heard of fail safe systems? I mean, a power reactor that goes on a chain reaction when shot at? Here on earth if we saw a bunch of terrorists coming at our power plants we would shut them down immediately and go on emergency power batteries or fossil powered diesel generators until the danger passed.
4. What kind of control system do your star destoyers use? Somebody soots at the bridge and the entire thing spins out of control. Our large ships can have their command bridges decomissioned and vessels can continue to be guided from secondary control centers. Frankly, those termite like creatures that design your large weapons systems are idiots.
5. How did you maintain your composure when meeting Obi-Wan again? Hadn't he cut off your legs and kicked you into molten lava after stealing your son? I would have been in such a rage; you were actually very non-chalant about the whole thing. I've seen you be more upset at somebody who fails on a minor task.
Any answers?
Must have been some lame-ass Canadian union. You couldn't get away with that shit in Chicago.
rheader, how have you made it this far without knowing much about star wars? just about everybody with a pulse over the past 20 years has been subjected to the movies repeatedly, not to mention the marketing blitzes when ep1 &etc came out.
do you live in a cave (on dagobah)? inquiring minds want to know.
Dear Lord Vader-
Love ya. Love your blog. Just curious: why did you neglect to mention your encounter with Prince Xizor between your meeting with Luke and your visit to the new Death Star?
Lord Vader,
Just a few things.
1) What are you bringing on your picnic?
II) How are you going to eat in front of your troops? Through a straw?
C) If you've hired the ITU (InterGalactic Teamsters Union), be careful. I hear they also have a strong influence on the weak minded.
I hear they also financially back some nice casinos around the galaxy. This could be a nice source of new Empire revenue. Slave trade, stealing, oppression, and trachea smashing probably has a cap on the amount of credits it brings in.
Just something to ponder during your next meditation.
Dear Johan,
My most esteemed Lord Vader:
1. Tarkin never "held my leash." That expression was merely the known terrorist Leia Organa's way of attempting to bait me.
2. Truth be told, the current Death Star is actually the fourth in the line. We call it "Death Star 2" for better press. The first prototype was plagued with technical problems, and many of the internal chambers had been built to the specifications of insectile occupants. The second Death Star crashed into a planet, and the navigational officer was subsequently found to have been on the hooch.
3. That isn't really my department. They tell me these things are necessary.
4. Joy-sticks. With two fire buttons.
5. His weakness radiated off of him like a stink. Who wouldn't feel confident?
Sincerely,
D. Vader
My most esteemed Lord Vader:
I was very gratified by your answers to my questions. They were a lot more pithy and clever than I had expected. Now I feel silly for thinking that I could have stumped you (no pun intended) with impertinent queries. However, I can not promise that I will not come up with more in the future.
Do you have CocaCola on the Empire?
Do the Rebel Alliance prefers Pepsi?
Lord Vader,
I don't know which I find more annoying, you useless posturing or your whinning. The assumption that you or that wheezing skeleton you call an Emperor could make anyone loose bowl control is utterly laughable. You are about as menacing as a Gungan. You need therapy. I'm glad that you are still around to amuse me my young Padawan.
So you got your left leg fixed. Pity. I guess I'll just have to try something else. Perhaps I'll have to manipulate the servo circuits in your crotch to give those charred testicles of yours a constant but needling electric shock. That would bring a smile to my face.
Meanwhile, I'm off to spend some quality time with your son. I'm sure he can use it.
Your Constant Tormentor,
Obi-Wan Kenobi
Lord Vader,
Thank-you for your continued support of the Imperial Corps of Engineers, we strive to meet all the construction needs for Imperial forces throughout the galaxy. Unfortunately you have been a first hand witness to inferior work by union contractors. We applaud your motivational techniques in this matter. While we at the ICE prefer to use slave labor to speed up construction of most projects, the location of the Death Star Mark II is in such a remote section of the galaxy that “importing” forced labor would create unwanted attention. You know fully well of the problems the Empire has had in the past with rebel spies. Although the union contractors are much more reliable in sense of keeping their mouth’s shut. They do not produce the overall quality that we at ICE are accustomed to. Their only concern is that of their over-time pay and the 12 mandatory breaks during the day. This lack of motivation with the contractors has created an atmosphere of animosity between our Corps and that of the outside contractors. Hopefully your trachea crushing example of the contractors will sufficiently motivate them to do a higher caliber of work. Thanks again for intervening on the behalf the Imperial Corps of Engineers.
Sincerely,
Sub-Commander Vagan
P.S. – The Corellian wine was a big hit.
Tell your staff nothing with mayo in the picnic -- that moon is pretty hot and humid this time of year, and you wouldn't want anything to go bad before you had time to find a nice spot for lunch.
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Everyday my respect grows for you Darth.
In the words of my small "Mostly harmless" planet,
You da MAN!!!!!!!
why do you idiots insist on trying to mimic the author of this blog? pretending you're anyone from luke to obi-wan to the emperor, so far none of you are anywhere near as elegant as the author. he obviously puts time and effort into this, and guys like this obi-wan sputter out some half-brained crap with more grammatical errors than a 3rd grader's book report. stick to the praise and leave the storytelling/roleplaying to the guys who knows what he's doing.
Hey Sub-Comander Vagan, tell your engineers that it's about bloody time you did away with the endless chasms in everything you build.
As Lord Vader perceptively noted, the original design of the death star was done to accomodate insectoid beings. I'm sure those things use the pits and tunnels to fly back and forth instead of taking the elevator. Well, humanoids don't have wings and those openings are just plain dangerous. Apparently all ICE does is blindly copy what some termites came up with.
Lord Vader,
I note with interest your description contains the phrase "Immaculately conceived" when - in fact - you are nothing of the sort.
The concept of "Immaculate conception" is - in the main - connected with a Marian Doctrine of the Roman Catholic Church which refers to being born without and shielded from Sin.
I feel that - despite the fact you and the rest of the Sith cut dashing figures in robes and the Emperor's Guard are clearly very Cardinal-inspired - crushing someone's trachea with your mind is hardly Sinless.
Although I do believe it is pretty cool.
Anyway, the term you are looking for is virgin birth.
Although that might mean you would have to die in order to save the world from someone else's Sins - I need to look into the theology of this.
Enjoy your picnic, Lord Vader. I hope someone puts a laxative in your fruit punch and you end up soiling your uniform.
P.S. You're right, D.V. It isn't Tarkin leading you on a leash. It's Palpy. Ha ha!
P.P.S. We are so going to kick your ass.
It's the eggs in the egg salad, not the mayo, that you need to worry about. The mayo thing is just an old wives' tale.
BTW - don't forget the bug spray - the mosquitoes are nasty in those forests, and don't forget to post some pictures when you return.
*hug*
g
Congratulations on the completion of the Super Laser! The ability to incinerate entire worlds is an accomplishment to be proud of. When you have completed your tour of the facilities there, I don't suppose you could drop by my planet? (sans the death ray, of course) There are some politicians here in my township need of a trachea crushing and I just don't have the knack for it myself. (Feel free to read my blog for more info on this.) If you don't have the time, perhaps you can recommend a good bounty hunter?
Wearily Yours,
Weary Man.
Dear Lord Vader,
In light of the successful activation of the new Death Star's weapon, I once again stand in awe of Imperial technological superiority.
The fact that you have built such a powerful laser makes it clear that you are far beyond the people of Earth in the practical applications of quantum mechanics. And since you specifically are known for your skill with technology, I've decided to address this question to you.
Can you recommend a good textbook on the fundamentals of laser weapon engineering? I assume the Imperial Academy must have access to a large selection.
Thank you.
While this has nothing to do with this blog in particular, I was hoping somebody would enlighten me as to the Empire's stance on gay marriages. I know interracial marriages would probably be banned seeing as the Empire despises Non-human races.
Lord Vader,
I've always been curious what the Death Star safety officer had to say about all the bottomless shafts and chasms. It crossed my mind again when you mentioned it today.
Cheers,
Michael
Hi Darth,
I realize that you're out in the remote backwater for this construction, but aren't you worried that somebody might notice the obliteration of a moon? You would have to get pretty close to see the Death Star directly, but any yahoo with a star chart could be a couple systems away and notice a missing moon.
Or suppose -- just for the sake of argument, mind you -- that the reason for the early activation of the weapons systems is that the Death Star is meant to be operational without appearing operational. It would make a great trap! But now you've left an advertisement saying "look, our big gun works great!"
Frankly, I would have rented one of those big luxury ships and "awarded" a free cruise to your most incompetent contractors. I hear the Rebels use converted Mon Calamari luxury cruisers as their capital ships; it would have been a test with interesting ramifications...
Dear Lord Vader,
My name is Slyg Slygmanthian and I am C.E.O. of PlayCo. Toys. Galaxy-wide demographic studies, and a recent poll by Quarxim Magazine have shown your popularity at an all time low.
We at PlayCo. Toys believe we can help your numbers especially that hard to reach 18-35 male(ish) being demographic.
Perhaps you have heard of our product Mr. Tuberhead? We at PlayCo. Toys would like to create an offshoot of Mr. Tuberhead, in which children and maladapted 18-35 male(ish) beings can dress up Mr. Tuberhead in your very own likeness, complete with red light sabre and steely glare. We would call it Tuberhead Vader.
What do you think? We at PlayCo. Toys stand behind our product 100%. However, should you disagree Oljkm Gazebo, our head designer, came up with this idea.
Regards,
Slyg Slygmanthian
Lord Vader on a picnic? I find that so hard to picture.
Blasted stupid contractors...they are always hard to trust.
How many people are writing this, the style changes constantly.
Hi Daddy!! Would you take me to the game tonight?. I met this chick, Leia, she´s so hot, I think Im gonna score!!! Did you, lately?.
Im still wandering how do you get your soup whith that stupid helmet of yours. See you and may the force be wihth you.
You are a gay star wars lovin' freak!
Dear Lord Darth Vader,
Thank you so much for this wonderful blog! Hours and hours of enjoyment.
While i will say that star wars sounds interesting and all...i must say for myself and for all like me (which there are quite a lot) lord of the rings is much better. I would encourage you, if you'd be kind to take the time, to look at either the books (i most recomend these), the movies (they stray a bit from the books but they are still very well done), or my site, which is a twist off of the stories. Indulge in the awe of lord of the rings and be amazed!
p.s. i like your site a lot however. i read it a lot. creative ideas.
your humble servant of doom
why do your posts say Nov 5th? You think your canadian or something?
Hysterical stuff!
don't make the bad man stop!
best blog by a sith, ever.
just a note: anakin was not immaculately conceived.
Dear Cashka Tzyu,
I do not think Vader ever considered such twisted ramifications... yet you never know.
Do you think Palpatine ever considered the possibility of his right hand becoming little Ben Skywalker's mom?
As a fellow reader wrote here somewhere... the Force acts in odd ways...
May the Force also be with the Knights of the New Jedi Order,
Dr. C. Romay
Hi DV,
Do you really work? I thought yours was of a lifestyle, you tall, dark and mysterious you. I'm so glad you're not green.
Piggy
Pst.
Sullust is the place.
Just believe me.
Young Lord Vader;
RE: Your contractor troubles.
You get what you paid for; and low bidder isn't always the best bidder... Slave and cheap labor often yield sub-par results.
Snapping the neck(s) of workmen or their supervisors isn't the best forms of punishment, or encouragement, too quick and lacking in spectacle to make much more than a passing impression. There are far more educational, terror-enabling and motivating methods; “The Booth” from a mirror time is one, where a man must endure a thousand slow deaths a minute for endless hours.
Be cryptic, be understood.
Amb. K. Naranek
requesting to link. you rock!
We the the People of the USA and the world for that matter are highlly upset at your'e making of "The Daeth Star II" which I have been told by my people is a WMD, theirfor you can expect a preempitve invasion of Corascontla in the next few weeks.
*note spelling and grammar errors are intended*
Lord Vader
I regret to inform you that over twenty-nine elevator shafts that previously were not going to be used, have now been decided to be used for the energy core run, are full of corpses. We also have found that IG-88 is inhabiting the main energy core
EV-4D9
P.S.
(Bring some TIE's and help us get rid of that nutjob!)
star wars is so sweet
Dear Lord Vader,
If there are any openings for software engineers at
your location, I would dearly like to apply.
Some of my co-workers are in need of much
trachea crushing. However I am not the person to
accomplish that. So I fear I must seek employment
elsewhere.
Your management skills are by far the fairest I've
seen to date! I would dearly love to assist you in
any software projects you are managing, especially
in regards to software to control the various systems
on board the "2nd" Death Star.
Please see my attached resume.
Affectionately yours,
Sith Snoopy
P.S. I read the interview..... attachments?!?!? :)
sibol j'ai jamais vu autant de commentaire que ça félicitation .
Man, you're really weird ! This is sick ! Keep up the good work !
Man, this is awesome.
Extra points and immunity from trachea crushing to the ewok add guy - he is a legend.
Love you, Darth! Teach those rebel scum a lesson!
Well we all knwo what vader can do for us.... but why is it that the count still lives. Vader is a covard and I only serve the darkside but you.. you are only a veil of a childish boy. THE GENERAL WILL ONE DAY HVE YOUR HEAD, although then again I am his sparring partner.
Oh and another thing your master is a much better fighter padawan.:)
vundibar. Excellent. really, as an ex-Star Wars buff, i quite rather enjoyed the subtle jokes and references. damn, all those hours spent reading sequels by Kevin J. Anderson!
But really, quite funny.
To: Jardu the Hutt, office of hte Intergalactic Workers Union
From: Imperial Legal Affairs Division, on behalf of Lord Darth Vader
RE: Response to cease and desist of union member unauthorized execution claim
Your Excellency,
Recently your office sent a communique to the Lord Darth Vader in which you claimed that under 17 I.C. Section 104 et seq., the Dark Lord of the Sith willfully infringed on your rights to discipline and/or execute union members. Your claim indicated that no permission was either asked nor granted.
I would like to refer you to the contracts signed by your representatives in regard to the work being done in question over which Lord Vader is currently commanding. Please note that on page 364, section Isk, subsection Aleph, paragraph 4, it clearly indicates that subpar or unsatisfactory construction on any part, section, subsection, et al. of the project for which you have been employed allows for supervisory discipline to be conducted by onsite personnel of the Imperial Command Structure. Specifically, "...transfer of execution authority from the IWU to the Imperial Comand Structure is permitted; with such permission is required the responsibility to carry out such discipline in lieu of the IWU Hutt Overlords."
Please also note that costs associated with clean up, removal, transport, and/or burial of such detrius shall specifically be deducted from future invoices and payments for subject contract, and that any work required to be done as a result of inoperability of sections overloaded with such detrius are also to be deducted from payments rendered on said project. Attached you will find the Imperial Engineering reports regarding such costs and operability, and we expect that these matters will decrease your next invoice accordingly.
Thus, not only was Lord Vader within his rights to execute the IWU incompetent personnel, but it was his responsibility to do so. While Moff Jerrjerod seems to have been unwilling or unable to commit himself to such disciplinary acts, Lord Vader is not so timid. Please direct all further correspondence regarding such matters to our office for proper handling.
Sincerely,
Cmdr. Talus Mehj'ral, Esq.
Imperial Legal Affairs
It was certain they not be able to hold off on the jokes for long...
Should be:
It was certain they would not be able to hold off on the jokes for long...
Dear Darth,
And I do mean dear. Since our last rondezvous to the stellar moon outer limits, ive since wondered why you haven't called. Look, it's time to come out of the closet and stop fighting your desires for me. I know why you act so foolishly, all that anger locked up within. This can all come to a halt if you just step up to the ecxtacy express. Anyway, yes I do accept your undercover proposal. I can't wait till the next time you work your vinyl coverd hands all over my body. Till next time sweety. Muah!
I KNEW Randal was right!
Hmm, Darth is gay ? That explains his anger towards Ben ....
Anonymous said... is right, storm troopers are NOT clones, they are recruited and trained in the Carrida system.
Lord Vader,
I need your Help with Lonestar
Come in Please
Vader says to office of Jardu the Hutt:Consider your rights to tell me what to do and be grateful that you are thousands of light years away from my dreadful fist!
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