Author Chester Burton Brown
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Author Chester Burton Brown

20050506

Parenting 101


Okay, I admit it. I cut off the kid's hand. Everything went downhill after that.

Blast! Blast! Blast! I am such an idiot.

I surveilled my son as he walked through the city, my eyes closed, my back to the security monitors. His spirit danced and rained, his emotions farting out bright, flickering clouds of micro-causal flotsam in every direction. Lumbering arcs of probability swung around him in sick, drunken orbits, any one of them threatening to actualize at a sneeze.

Quite a lightshow, really. People who cannot see the Force have no idea what they are missing.

I was able to discern that the callow youth's undisciplined powers were being channeled into a keen signal by the famous blue astromech droid R2-D2, whose ability to manipulate or be manipulated by the Force is something I have never understood. Whether he is some kind of midichloric instrument or mechanical idiot savant, it cannot be ignored that his presence aids the boy.

So the first thing I did was separate them, by sealing a fire door between them.

Skywalker himself I teased through a maze of corridors into the bowels of this city, dangling a shadow of my presence before his nose like a carrot. I studied his mind, and found his first thoughts were not of his friends: it was only me he sought now. The Force called to him, I reasoned. Or perhaps the ghost of Kenobi whispered in his ear.

I meditated in the carbon freezing chamber as Skywalker approached. Out of the steam strode Qui-gon Jinn, shimmering and insubstantial. "Anakin," he called. "The time has come to test him."

"He is only a boy."

"He is stronger than you think," Qui-gon pronounced, and vanished.

So...chalk one up for Qui-gon. The boy is strong. Stronger than I could have imagined. Through his clumsy, novice staggers the Force blew enormous rage, a hot wind of raw power I struggled to hold my own against. I had toyed with him at first, but I soon found myself working hard. He knew none of the classic moves: his foil play was dictated directly from his heart, clubbing at me with an instinctive passion that dodged my every stratagem.

And, of course, my left leg was acting up like crazy.

I used what ounce of my will I could spare to exert control over the misfiring circuits, wrestling my wayward limb to do my bidding as I fended off the broad, single-minded thrusts of the bitchfire youth. He knocked me down and I felt his confidence swell. I realized: he loathes me!

I escalated my own level of brutality, and he lost ground. Still I found place to wonder: what fires his naked hatred? This is not the sting of a political idealist.

He popped out of the carbon chamber before I could freeze him, which was a neat trick. The duel ranged. I threw objects at him with my mind, which was obviously beyond his ken as he reacted by trying to dodge them like a low man. Then I blew him through a window.

It went on and on.

He didn't even want to talk about the power of the dark side.

And then it happened: down on the catwalk as we clashed again and he struck me with his sabre, glancing my shoulder. He struck me, and I just lost my cool -- without really thinking it through I lopped off his hand. Little bugger!

He was as raw as he was going to get, though he exerted an impressive will to keep his fear from boiling over. As he crawled away from me across the catwalk I figured I had nothing to lose. It's time to spill the beans. It's now or never. I took a deep breath: "Luke, Obi-wan never told you what happened to your father..."

He screamed and jibbered, clinging over a chasm fathoms deep. His pain moved me. And not in the usual good way. I mean I felt for him. So I did as I said I would: I reached out to him. I told him we could be in it together, come what may.

Luke jumped to his peril.

The Force is strong with him, however, and he survived his fall. I felt him call out with his mind, and watched the fabric of the Force contort as the Millennium Falcon piloted by the escaped prisoner Leia Organa and the surprisingly slippery Lando Calrissian abandoned its flight, returning to Cloud City to rescue Skywalker.

I returned aboard Executor and waited to snare the freighter as it stalled in space, unable to jump away due to a sabotaged hyperdrive (ha, ha). As the ship climbed out of Bespin's gravity-well I let my mind play out along the filigree ladders of the Force until my tendril found him, honing in on the corporeal pain of his severed arm and the throb of his psychic wounds. Luke's spirit squirmed away from my connection, burned by the truth. But I could see that he was strong enough to face it, his resolve hardened but uncracked. Impressive. Most impressive.

The crippled freighter sailed into my view from the bridge, crossing the crescent of Bespin and making for black space. In moments we would have them!

"This will be a day long rememebered," I said.

...Which is pretty much when the Millennium Falcon escaped to hyperspace.

I sighed. Why me?

I was even too dispirited to crush Admiral Piett's trachea.

Now I am in my hyperbaric chamber, listening to music (Rotan's Sonata for Holotyne) and trying to get a grip on things. Betrayed by a mimbo, surrounded by incompetence, my soul in knots; lost Skywalker, lost Organa, sold Solo...

The Emperor is going to barf when I tell him.



138 Comments:

Blogger Jill said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

6.5.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Love the blog, Vader, but it must not have been Qui-Gon speaking to you. He helped Yoda and Obi-Wan become one with the Force while they were hiding from you. He taught them how to blend their souls with the physical Force allowing them to take a spiritual form and aid Skywalker.

Must have been Dooku.

6.5.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

And I thought I was having a bad day. So sorry to hear about your disappointments, your lordship. I am sure it will work out all right in the end.

Paula, loyal reader and fan
Earth

6.5.05  
Blogger Kali said...

Dear Darth Vader:

Let it go, Luke will never accept it.

6.5.05  
Anonymous Padme's Handmaiden said...

That is what you get when you pick a fight with a teenager! What a drama queen!

Sorry to hear about your leg. I don't know anything about robotics, but I'm sure I could be of aid to the human side of you! I recently read your article with Anna Arkham. Could you please elaborate on your special attachments? Sounds fun!

6.5.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

He said 'farting.' Heh-heh.

6.5.05  
Blogger Elle Driver said...

i admire your penchant for writing. your witty style and biting humor is simply a radiant addition to any mediocre day

6.5.05  
Anonymous Lucia said...

Vader, Vader, Vader, when will you learn? He is so much like his mother! Full of that spirit. Padme, as much as I hate to say it, would be rather proud of him. And then you sulk. He's your son but you cannot understand him? He is like you, then.

Love,
Lucia

6.5.05  
Blogger hulver said...

These just keep getting better and better :)

6.5.05  
Blogger Dan Nugent said...

Like his mother? Heh, sounds more like his father to me...

Hey, at least he's got better lines than you when you were his age!

6.5.05  
Blogger Pablo said...

Lord Vader, I've been reading your blog since I read about it in Slashdot. It's obvious to me you didn't create it to gain friends, or to show off yourself, or silly things like these.

I find it most refreshing you don't resort to blinking gifs, and the yappiness of the usual "hey, I'm here!" blogs. No, your blog is pitch black, just like your attire, your heart and your lungs' inside.

Well, I'd like to say more, but I'm not really good in Basic. I live in an outer rim planet in another galaxy, and I speak just one of the thousands of languages here. I've heard the Force makes you really good with languages, is it true?

An admirer,
Pablo

6.5.05  
Anonymous taste said...

I'm curious Lord, but.. what did you do with his hand after that?

6.5.05  
Anonymous Derek said...

Hey, don't get too down, Lord Vader. Look at everything you've accomplished. First, you got Solo out of the way. Not much, but it counts for something. There's probably no one left who can use that ship of his. Sure, maybe Lando can jump into hyperspace, but can he bring it past the defensive turrets of a fully armed and operational battle station? I don't think so. Second, you did Boba Fett a favor, and I'll bet anything he could catch Luke. That guy's unbeatable, and he ain't going nowhere. Third, you got Jabba a new coffee table. He'll remember that, and even if some freak accident were to happen to Fett, Jabba's untouchable. And if that's not enough, you've got all the tibanna gas you can stand!

That's not bad for a day. Just listen to some music, crush a few Ugnaughts' tracheas, and tell yourself, "The Emperor is probably going to torment me through the Force to punish my failure to capture Skywalker, but I'll live, and life goes on." You are Darth Vader, the embodiment of all that is dark and merciless in the eyes of a whole galaxy, and *no one* can take that from you.

6.5.05  
Anonymous Pan-Galactic Phycological Interveiws said...

Mr. Vader,
As you have asked, we have done a survey of your psychological traits and nuances. We have finally idenitfied what jobs will be right for you!
1.Carpentry
2.Sewer management
3. Tree Surgeon
4. Plumber
Positions you should avoid, as they may prove detrimental or fatal are...
1. Dark Tyrannical Overlord
2. Sith Lord
3. Fleet Commander
4. Sith Aprentice

Pan-Galatic Psychological Interviews, we stick our nose where it has no business going!

6.5.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

P.s. I forgot to most respectfully inquire whether you have considered family counseling. Since you are a single parent coming into your son's life rather late (I am quite sure this is in no way your fault), you might both find professional help very helpful in this challenging situation. Just an idea!

Paula
Earth

6.5.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear Lord Vader,

Boxers or briefs?

Thank you, please don't crush my trachea.

6.5.05  
Blogger Garoo said...

You know, when I first heard about what happened between you and Luke (not that I'm associated in any way with the Rebel, you know, it's just that everybody in the galaxy has to stay informed, because, uh, you know, it's... oh well, I should have posted anonymously), I never expected you to be so casual about it. "Okay, I admit it. I cut off the kid's hand. Everything went downhill after that." I mean, sure, you cut off his hand (not that it matters in our day -- keep chopping off pieces of him and he'll only be more like you) but you also revealed your identity to your offspring (or at least half of... uh... scratch that, nevermind) after 25-odd years and you expected to turn him to your side (in just a few minutes of conversation? that was a little fooli... uh... scratch that too, m'Lord, if you don't mind, and I'm sure you've got more important stuff to mind these days, and thank God for that, or whoever I should be praying to) and... where was I? This should be the single most important day of your senior life, and you're only sticking to the facts, and putting in some irony for bravado?
Come on, Darth -- uh, I mean, m'Lord -- what are you holding back? The whole point of blogging is letting your emotions out (and you know about that, it's the spirit of the Dark Side, isn't it?). It's not like you risk anything by opening up too much.

Um, unless His Tremendous Highness the Emperor comes upon this blog, that is :/

6.5.05  
Anonymous DEPEN sword said...

Lord Vader,

I would like to extend my condolences to you. Confronting your son must have been very hard for you. But don't worry, he will eventually see the light(or dark) and then you two will be unstopable.

Like they say, Coruscant wasn't built in a day.

On a more formal note, the redesign of some of the Deth Star's systems are ahead of schedule. We hope to complete the design fase ASAP.

DEPEN sword
Chief Of Engineering
Coruscant Engineering Services

6.5.05  
Blogger Adalmin said...

Dear Darth Vader,

I have just one word for you:

PUBERTY.

Yours,
Adalmin

6.5.05  
Blogger Alena said...

Many greetings to you, Lord Vader,

As always, your blog is refreshing to read, and insightful. I do not envy a parent who finally meets his child, only to discover that he is still in the throes of adolescence.

And yet, you can definitely still see his father in him.


Your ever adoring fan,
-Alena

6.5.05  
Blogger Master Yoda said...

Happy with you I am not. Because of you, early the boy had to leave me. Much yard work I had left for him to do. Weed themselves those Petunias will not! And waxed my airspeeder still needs to be. Do all this now who will?

6.5.05  
Anonymous alex said...

Stumbled across your blog a couple of days ago and have read back through it. It's superbly written, congratulations and keep it coming!

6.5.05  
Anonymous Obi Wan K. said...

One of the good things about being one with the force, is I have a little extra time to read.

Although it really does make things difficult having to hunt and peck with the Force, everytime I want to post a comment and troopers continually sitting on and walking through me. Makes me want to shout, "Hello I am a Jedi master, show some respect." and give them a Force Wedgie.

I considered telling Luke about his father, but what I could I say?
"I failed your father, he went to the dark side, but you can follow me." Somehow I do not think that would have went over well.

I was admiring your battle with your son. He did perform well for his first all out sabre battle.

I would like to ask that next time you would like to dual, we sell some tickets. I can talk to an old fight promoter called Don King. He takes a hefty cut, but he can defintely get the word out there.

-Ben

6.5.05  
Anonymous Zinc Avenger said...

My Lord Vader,

My experiments with using the power of the Force to crush the tracheas of my enemies are still not meeting with complete success.

Last night I made a major breakthrough and can now manipulate my enemy's larynx to cause his voice to get high and squeaky. As I'm sure you understand, although amusing, it is in no way as satisfying as complete tracheal collapse.

I made this progress using the crushing gesture with my left hand, starting the thumb and forefinger about half an inch apart and squeezing inwards while focussing my rage internally.

Perhaps my technique is flawed, it is so hard to get good training on the subject in this sector. Is there any advice you could give on the matter?

Yours still hopefully,

The Zinc Avenger.

6.5.05  
Blogger NYPinTA said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

6.5.05  
Blogger NYPinTA said...

Hey. Can I get a maintenance droid over here? I just spit water all over my keyboard.
"Sigh. Why me?" hahahahahahahaha!

Damn it.

6.5.05  
Anonymous Chris said...

Bravo, Lord Vader. You have managed to renew my almost childlike fascination with the second greatest story ever told. Something the prequels have failed miserably to do.

Also, am I safe to assume that when a comment has been deleted (see first post), a trachea has been crushed?

6.5.05  
Anonymous TARUGOMAN said...

Damn. Who would have thought he would get away from your grasp? It was not as you had foreseen I guess...

But don't worry. I bet ol' Sidious knew this was coming all along and won't blow a fuse when he hears about what has just happend...

And I just bet that one day... one day, Luke will come looking for you willingly. I just know it. Call it gut feel or clairvoyance... whatever.

Anyway, good luck with Herr Emperor!

6.5.05  
Anonymous Cal-Gon Jin said...

brilliant insight into the ' chosen one '

The idea that QG would prompt Vader...has appeal...especially when his no nonsense maverickism, that self indulgent " this is what the Force wants " attitude afforded him a license to do...just about anything..

- adds more hot water to the tub -

I look forward to more expositions

Kudos!

CG-Jin

6.5.05  
Anonymous Yoda said...

Underestimate you son, you did.
Trained him well I did, hmmm?

Considering training lasted only a few days very well I trained him.

Considering I fed him a steady diet of Raman Noodles, very very well I trained him.

Out peace.

-Yoda
http://www.tech5.net/zsf/index2.html

6.5.05  
Anonymous reenie said...

I love you, Darth Vader! Marry me!

6.5.05  
Anonymous an ewok said...

you are my hero. question though. why aren't there any ewokenese darths?

6.5.05  
Anonymous Darth Vader said...

Dear Padme's Handmaiden,

Surely not in mixed company.

An tyrannical overlord needs to retain a certain mystique, after all.

Sincerely,

D. Vader

6.5.05  
Anonymous T.Karde said...

Hmmmmmm very interesting. I must say that you've given me a lot to think about. But, I think telling your son who you are was a mistake. I mean you want him to turn to the dark side right? Hatred is the path to the dark side. Think about yourself when you were a kid. you loved your mother, you'd do anything for her. Defy the jedi order, and you loved her. Look what you did to protect her. you were a nice little boy who loved everyone and wanted to protect the world. Luke Hated you because you killed his father and tortured his girl friend and then you killed his new father figure right in front of him. That hate you could have channeled. it wouldn't have been hard to convince him that his friends have turned against him. Then all you had to do was blame this all on the emperor and let him know that you can tell him how to find the power to kill the emperor and end all the bloodshed and he could then give the entire galaxy his love. the same love you had. But now that's not possible. A passionate young man like that will drop all of his hate for you. Now he'll love you and want to save you. He'll look deep inside you and see your conflicts, (or perhaps simply run across this blog.) Hate would have made him powerful. Love will make him weak, and the emperor will destroy him in front of you.

6.5.05  
Anonymous Darth Vader said...

Dear Taste,

I regret to report that an Ugnaught ate it when it fell clear through the ceiling of their cafetorium.

The light-sabre was not recovered.

Sincerely,

D. Vader

6.5.05  
Anonymous Darth Vader said...

Dear Zinc Avenger,

The secret to really effective trachea-crushing comes not from technique, but from the gut. You have to BELIEVE they do not deserve to breathe.

Wax on, wax off.

Sincerely,

D. Vader

6.5.05  
Anonymous Darth Tater said...

Lord Vader, and I use the term loosely. You were too soft on Calrissian, Solo, the Organa wench and the overgrown dog. I would have tortured them all to death. They will come back to haunt you, if you live that long.

My Lord and Emporer, Darth Sidious, will surely see the error he made when "you" becane his apprentice. He will have me crush you and then I will join him as we rule the galaxy and father and spud. I'm goint start by cutting off your left leg so noone has to liten to your insipid whining about the circuits.

With Love,
Darth Tater

6.5.05  
Anonymous Darth Vader said...

Dear Tater,

You are a potato. I have donated you to the Imperial Elementary School in order that you may be used to power a clock for the science fair.

Sincerely,

D. Vader

6.5.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Best post ever Lord Vader!
Might I add that if you ever could find your way to a Clan Diamond Shark colony we have some lovely bionics to sell for a price.

6.5.05  
Anonymous Scott said...

Oh mighty Lord Vader, have you concidered writing a book on parenting?

While some might poo poo such an idea, I must say, in or home I have had great success in parenting our son by asking myself "What Would Vader Do".

While he is only 4, he responds well to my draconian methods. When he uses a toy in an inapropriate manner, such as striking his mother with it, I take it, melt it down in a crucible and force him to watch it slowly become a blob of plastic and eventualy combust. This works very well.

I look forward to more of your wisdom my Lord. Guide me in raising my son to be a loyal member of the Empire.

Scott

6.5.05  
Blogger Darth Steinbrenner said...

My woes continue. I feel the need to punish my Yankees using the force in more subtile ways than the usual 'Trachea Squash'.


Method's I've employed in the past:

Attraction to the same gender (Jeter)
Prostate Tumors (Torre)
Mysterious Blood Parasites (Giambi)
Poolside drownings (Rivera)

I've even manipulated an opponents fan to take a swing at our player, costing him his season tickets. (Sheffield)


None of these tactics have worked. We continue to suck.

Lord Vader, your sinister suggestions are needed. Please help. They continue to be a zit on our Empire's forehead.

Yours Truly,

Darth Steinbrenner

6.5.05  
Blogger TC The Terrible said...

Tough love is always the best love. The kid should thank you for opening his eyes to the real world. Stay strong my man. It'll all be good in the end.

6.5.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sorry to hear that you had a bad day. *hug*

g

6.5.05  
Anonymous Obi-Wan Kenobi said...

Dear Lord Vader,

Nah, nah, nah. Serves you right. You play with fire and you're gonna get burned. I'm just sorry Luke didn't turn you into a smoldering pile. Oh well. Better luck to him next time. And there will be a next time.

Your Former Mentor-Now Tormentor,

Obi-Wan Kenobi

6.5.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear Master Yoda,

I will cheerfully weed your flowers and wax your speeder for you if you agree to instruct me in the ways of the Force so I can become a Jedi knightess.

Failing that, you can just teach me to speak like you so I can fake it.

Respectfully,

Paula
Earth

6.5.05  
Anonymous Nelson Lourenço said...

May the force be with you.
Compliments from Portugal.

6.5.05  
Anonymous Obi-Wan Kenobi said...

Lord Vader,

By the way. The trouble with your left leg is entirely my doing. It's one of the few amusements I have here in the after life. So just suffer you whimpering fool.

Your Tormentor,

Obi-Wan Kenobi

6.5.05  
Blogger fini said...

oooo, Master Vader, sounds like Luke has Oppositional Defiance Disorder. imagine that

pet

6.5.05  
Anonymous Palpatine said...

VADDDERRRRR!!!

I have looked into the dark side of the force forseeing your blog and I know that you have failed me once again! Report to me immediately!

I mean, like, what's the deal with you, man? I have spent so much time treating you like a son. I showed you the power of the Dark Side, for Sith's sake! I was about to teach you how to do that cool Force-lightening trick I do. Not now! Not after I come here and see all this!

You are as whiny as your son! I forsaw his whining coming from you; but, I thought it was due to genetics, not from this blasted blogging!

Anyhow, we need to get our technicians moving with this new battle station. And, after seeing this affront to the Dark Side there is no way in the Force we are calling it the Darth Star!

EP
shout out to all my Sith homies
holla!

6.5.05  
Blogger bish said...

Please keep writing!

These posts are hilarious.

6.5.05  
Anonymous t.karde said...

My sources tell me that force lighting and sensitive life sustaining electronics don't mix well. I'd skip that lesson if I were you Lord Vader.

6.5.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Best post yet.

" without really thinking it through I lopped off his hand. Little bugger!"

I snorted Diet Dr. Pepper when I read that.

check out I Miss Biggs for earlier insights into the boy that torments and calls so to DV.

6.5.05  
Blogger DJ Drummond said...

This is what happens, when you skip your "Anger Manage-

erk...

awk
awk
awk
awk


[thunk!!]

6.5.05  
Blogger Tanalee said...

Blah, blah, blah. Yeah, I know, I saw the movie too. :) And nobody thinks of THEMSELVES as a monster. Great blog though.

6.5.05  
Blogger deleted@account.com said...

He's just a typical teenager, the hate thier parents and wish they we're dead ... just wait one day he'll take a breathe and realize he's just like his old man!

6.5.05  
Anonymous Vork the Terrible said...

Sounds like a rough day at the office. Serious joojooflop.

How much does Luke know about the Dark Side and how it works? Probably not much. Next time you see him, say "Sorry about the hand. The Emperor possessed me. He did it." And BAM! There ya go, your two biggest problems taken care of at once. He eviscerates the Emperor, you reward him lavishly, everyone's happy.

Make sure to spend some quality time with the boy after that. Go fishing, hunting, conquer a few starsystems, something. Because once he learns the darkside, he'll know you lied. The certain points of view argument might help a little there, but that's an issue for another day. And I believe in leaving tomorrow's problems for tomorrow.

6.5.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear Darth Vader,

We received your letter! I am here to convert you to the ways of Christianity! In your letter you asked what this was and how it could benefit you. Well, Jesus Christ died for our sins so that we may be forgiven by God and spend eternal life with Him in Heaven. We here at the Christian Missionary's Organization on Earth have begun reaching out to certain galaxies. You are in luck! We are interested in converting you today! We will send out a package today with all of God's commandments (10 total) and a copy of the Good News Bible. The great news here is we're sending this package out FREE! It will also explain how you need to spread the good news to everyone. Your friends, family, and even Emperor Palpatine. Don't worry though. His powers can do nothing against the Holy Spirit. Oh yes...powers are included as well. There will be a list of instructions on how to Baptize yourself with water. Later the Lord (God) will baptize you with fire and you will receive the Holy Spirit. Best of luck to you on your new life as a member of the church of Christ! Peace be with you Darth!

6.5.05  
Anonymous Gag Halfrunt said...

Garoo,

I have been on Lord Vader's psycholocial counseling team for many years, and I am sad to report open and warm reactions are not Anakin's specialty.

Had he simply spoken up all those years ago about his marriage, I am firmly convinced Mr. Skywalker would be a Senior Technician at Sienar Fleet Systems drydocks snuggling his little honey bunny each night with five kids by now.

We are hoping this blog will help him realise the depths of his split personality dissonance disorder and once again become a... * gack * *aaaaack*...

TRANSMISSION TERMINATED -
Coruscant Verizgular

6.5.05  
Blogger Fuzzball said...

Okay, so I leave for a week or so and I see that you have taken up with this Anne person. What happened to us, Darth? Where did the love go?

6.5.05  
Blogger John Lee said...

What kills me is that the Google Ads up top are for the topics "diversity training" and "Parenting and anger".

6.5.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

dear lord vader,

i am in third grade. i have to write a letter to a famous person. how do you go poo-poo in your uniform?

please write back.

sincerely,

susie macullum, age 8

6.5.05  
Blogger Hoka-shay-honaqut said...

..."the emperor's gonna barf"...

:-) :O

6.5.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear Lord Vader,

Tsk tsk tsk. Honestly, I know you're some evil Dark Lord and all but have a little class. Profanities are beneath somone such as you, don't you think?
Commoners use them. Please sir, don't lower yourself to that level.

Your fan.

P.S. Good luck with the kid problem

6.5.05  
Blogger Luke Skywalker said...

Yeah, the hand...well, *stump* aches like a bitch, but I'm not complaining. I gave almost as good as I got, and I'm not even fully trained. So much for the "Dark Lord of the Sith". I didn't know "Sith" was another term for "Sissy".

Sincerely, "dad", you suck.

Luke.

6.5.05  
Blogger Albert L Berriz said...

Good bloggin'

Check out free cognition, you'll enjoy it.

6.5.05  
Blogger adamll said...

Officially the first blog I've been to that doesn't suck ass. 9.5/10.

You sir, are a genius.

6.5.05  
Anonymous Kirk, Enterprise said...

Darth,

In your travels around the galaxy, good thing you never ran into the Enterprise. We would have cleaned your chronometer.

Capt. James Tiberious Kirk

6.5.05  
Anonymous Miyagi-son said...

Lord Vader,

I too understand the powers that surround us.

I too lost the love of my life.

I too have experienced trouble connecting to and training today's young.

But I did not become an all-powerful lord of darkness; I moved to LA and crawled inside a sake bottle.

I gave up on the idea of redemption, and the notion I could ever reach my pupil. In the depths of despair, I decided to disguise yard work and chores as "lessons" for the whiny brat -- figured I'd get something out of the crappy arrangement. What do you know -- the kid finally came around. Now I have a freshly painted house, sweet convertible, great garden and patio set-up, and I even went back to my old village and got revenge on the bastard who took my girl.

Who knew all it took was a little turtle wax and some home improvement tips from DIY?

Thought maybe my experience could be helpful.

Respectfully,
Mr. Miyagi

6.5.05  
Blogger Dave said...

*ROTFLMAO*

This is SO GOOD!

6.5.05  
Blogger Jean-Luc Picard said...

Trachea-crushing is illegal in the Federation. You may find that your application to join could be turned dowm.

6.5.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I wonder if Darth will journal the six months between the movies...you know, what happened in Shadows of the Empire book...i think I got the title right...hmm, better post anonymous!!

6.5.05  
Anonymous Ben Adams said...

long time reader, first time commentor - Lord Vader, don't be too hard on yourself - the boy will come around. It is his Destiny.

6.5.05  
Anonymous Scoke Faofa said...

There's always next time Vader. And there will be a next time. Shame that probably won't end well either. Just keep an eye on that leg, that could prove to be your undoing.

And stop with the deathsticks. ;)

-Scoke

6.5.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"The Emperor is going to barf when I tell him."

If I was wearing pants I would have pissed them LMAO

6.5.05  
Anonymous Dr. Phil said...

Dear Taste,

Read the Timothy Zahn series (Episodes VII, VIII, & IX) and you will find out what happened to Luke's hand.

IMO, I would love to see Zahn's imaginings made into feature length films as I feel they are the best written of the SW collection.

Sincerely,
Dr. Phil

6.5.05  
Blogger Kevin said...

M'lord,

I know that sometimes "tough love" is the way to go with kids. Sorry to hear that your son didn't want to hear what you had to say. Speaking as a father, I know how it feels to lose influence in the lives of your kids. I hope he sees the light (or, dark in this case). Keep the faith.

6.5.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

My question is...what happens if Vader sneezes in his helmet? I hope Vader doesnt catch a bit of a sniffle in his next epic lightsaber duel. One wrong sneeze, and its lights out.


P.S. Luke sucks bantha poodoo.

Sincerely screwed up,

Clay

6.5.05  
Anonymous T.Karde said...

I'm pretty sure sneezing requires at least one functioning lung. Meaning if he could sneeze, he wouldn't need the mask. So either way, he doesn't have to worry about sneezing in the mask.

sorry, Masque.

6.5.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Must you spoil my question.



Sincerely screw up,

Clay

6.5.05  
Anonymous dip_soul said...

oh my goodness,

i knew it Luke can't kill his own father.

know whos gonna kill ya?

i know, ill train to be a jedi.

try to look if Yoda is still alive.

-- Jedi Master Dip Soulwalker

sounds good :D

6.5.05  
Blogger Chris W. said...

I discovered this blog yesterday (5.5.05) and I loved it. I laughed, as it was entertaining, yet I was moved by the way you gave such underlying personality to the most famous Sith Lord in fiction. I especially loved the account of Admiral "Idiotic" Ozzel's demise and subsequent letter to kin. Today, though, the last seven lines of this ( beginning with "I sighed. Why me?") blew me out of the water and I literally fell on the floor howling hysterically. That was great!! Only thing I had a problem with was that the Emperor "is going to barf when I tell him."... A little teenage-like prose, but accurate with the Emperor's nasty temperament. Keep up the good work!!

6.5.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Please... my sides hurt... *gasp*

Please contact James Earl Jones and have him read from the blog to audio files!

6.5.05  
Blogger Chris W. said...

To the last anonymous poster: That's a wicked idea!! It beats any cheesy imitation IMHO!

6.5.05  
Anonymous Slade said...

You going down tonight, Dumb Valet, from the taste of my titanium-silver katana, (bleep).

6.5.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wow. That was absolutely stunning. The way you described the force was just incredible. That whole little thing about R2 and then the piece with Qui-Gon. That was some of the best writing I've read in a while. But the best part was how you still manged to add in some humor in the end. When Vader ultimately you have to do something else Star Wars related. This was the reason blogs were invented.

-A True Fan

6.5.05  
Anonymous Lorelai said...

Ahhh Lord Vader....he lost a hand just as you did in your battle with Obi-Won against Darth Tyranus. Like father, like son. It seems you have much to meditate on now.

6.5.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Lord Vader,
thankyou for your insights,

please,
keep it coming.
don't stop.

a fan
3p0

6.5.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear DV,
Keep on bloggin, this is the only blog I have ever spent more than 63 seconds on. I took the last poster's advice and now imagine it all in the voice Mr. JE Jones. My bladder will never be same...

JB

6.5.05  
Blogger Anderson said...

First approach to a criticism I've had in reading this splendid blog ... was Vader not a little surprised that Obi-Wan told Luke that Vader had killed Luke's father? How had Vader had a chance to learn that before? Would the metaphor not make any impression on Vader's consciousness?

Perhaps the Sith Lord's latest entry is set down in haste, and the nuances of the encounter haven't had time to sink in.

Carry on, Your Lordship, carry on.

6.5.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Look Old Man,

Just come to terms with it, the fruit of your loin's miscalculated seminal injection is going to kick your butt.

The result of your lust is going to be your downfall. Repent Old Man ! before it's too late !!

6.5.05  
Anonymous warlock said...

hey, at least the ghost of obi-wan isn't sitting on the foot of your bed singing inane songs.

6.5.05  
Blogger Cartoonguy said...

Heavy stuff man! Can you believe kids these days?
Shawn
p.s. Check out a couple of Star Wars cartoons on my blog, comicsofme.blogspot.com
Thanks!

6.5.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear Darth,
How was it doing a commercial with Heidi Klum?

6.5.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dude,

You rocked in that ringtones commercial.

A Fan

6.5.05  
Anonymous arnold schwarzenegger said...

Dear Darth Vader,

I am da govenator of Culifornia. I vould like to exshtend my gratitude to your exchellent lord, the Emperor. Ve da people of Culifornia are in your deepesh debt. Please sthank your master for assisting my victory over Grey Davish. I vill always serve da dark shtide.

Asta le vishta, baby.

Guvanor Arnold Schwarzenegger
Preshident of Culifornia

6.5.05  
Blogger Lord Darth Ren said...

You need to keep those brats of yours in line, Lord Vader. One of these days they will be the death of you and all the empire!

I have forseen it in a previous movie.

6.5.05  
Anonymous finger finder said...

Lord Vader,

I'm so pissed. I was eating in a cafe on the lower levels of Bespin today when all of a sudden, I bit into my hamburger and there it was, Luke's hand.

I turned it into the storm troopers but they said I made the whole thing up.

My lawyer got me a bond just before the mind probe droid was about to stick that big needle into my head back in the interrogation chamber.

My lawyer took me for a drink after I bonded out and we went to another bar on Bespin. For some reason, I ordered a chocolate frozen custard.

You guessed it. One bite into it and there it was, Luke's finger. It must have been severed from the hand on the way down the shaft. I'm no Imperial C.S.I. guy or anything, but that was a long way down that shaft. All I can figure is it must have hit the side of the shaft and been ripped off from the hand.

My lawyer was sitting right there and I took one look and him and I said, "No friggin way. I'm not telling the manager about this. Forget it. I've got pending charges and they won't even let me leave the state on this bond."

6.5.05  
Anonymous Hawk said...

Dear lord Vader,

what is with all the advertisements lately, are you short on money, because you seem to be endorsing EVERYTHING!

lightsaber spoons, slurpies, etc.

6.5.05  
Blogger Adam E. Robinson said...

The Great and Almighty Isorion believes your mighty emperor will do more than barf. You are, as the mortals often say, screwed.

6.5.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Based on the comments about ken and low men, I take it Lord Vader had read the Dark Tower series.

Be careful your fate does not match that of the Crimson King.

6.5.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

MORE COMMENTS ABOUT THE BENEFITS OF EWOKS PLEASE

6.5.05  
Blogger Tyler D. said...

When Luke's hand disappeared why did it not bleed?

6.5.05  
Blogger Uesha Maul said...

My Lord my Sympothy that it didnt work out as you planned with your son. Though i must agree with the others in "like-father, like-son" Being only two years younger than you, i was always able to look up to you and the whole secret marriage thing, very wicked, and very...you.
My second in commnd has asked me to remind you that his offer still stands. Also my personal Bounty Hunter States that he will assinate Captain Kirk for..I know, Kirk is a nuisance and must be stopped, so he says he'll do this one for you for free.
I have heard from my father recently he came to me while I was beating one of my more useless lackies with a blunt object. He wanted me to tell you that he is happy that you killed Ibi-wan, and that he has now finally been avenged, though he was pissed at me for not being the one to avenge him...Thanks a bundle.
On a side note, he does say that even though he did not agree with Qui-gon Jinn, he says that he IS an honorable man that tought you well in the short time that he knew you.
Well Im off the beat more of the imcompitant ones in my army. Good Luck to you with Lord Sidious

6.5.05  
Anonymous Chef said...

Lord Vader-

I gotta give it up to you brotha, you've got the writing chops, so I'm here to offer you a contract to write a book on 'I'm on the Dark Side, and I don't like the Sith Lord I'm With, so what can I do?". It's kinda like a help book. I know how much you're into the whole Self Improvement thing.

Lemme know, loves ya babe-

The Chef

6.5.05  
Anonymous George Lucas said...

CUT!

Look, I don't know how many times I have to tell you: stick to the script! Now look. Where does Darth Vader ever use anything less than stately, ponderous language? "The Emperor's gonna barf?" This isn't American Graffiti, and you're not Terry the Toad, all right?

Now let's do it again, faster this time.

Empire Strikes Back, Scene 178, take 2.

-- The Maker

7.5.05  
Anonymous ashlan said...

By far your best entry to date:)

i don't know which line made me laugh more: "...bitchfire youth" or the classic closer, "The emporor is going to barf..."

I have been trying to figure your nationality just from reading this blog: i'm thinking australian or british... not in the US? very curious about it - your sense of humour is very subtle...

thanks for sharing the inner you, Darth:)

7.5.05  
Anonymous K. Durron said...

Dear Lord Vader,

I find your insatiable knack for espouding the whimsy of your childhood (e.g., the phrase "neat trick") truly inspiring. Would that we all could preserve our youthful spirit so well...!

Your fan,
Dark Durron

7.5.05  
Anonymous ashlan said...

[aaahhhhh!]
CANADIAN. of course. :) it wasn't too bad of a guess just from reading your prose in this blog! i knew this breed of subtlety was born of a more 'british' ilk. thanks again, mfdh:)
[/aaahhhhh!]

7.5.05  
Blogger Cheeseburger Brown said...

Tragicomic: Check.

Presence of irony? Check.

Obsession with the pantheon of American popular culture? Check.

...It's Canadian alright.

Love,

CheeseburgerBrown

7.5.05  
Anonymous Darth Tine said...

Might I field a question for you Lord Vader?

Tyler D., technically, lighsabers are so hot that they sear the ends of the veins. A proper lightsaber wound should NEVER bleed.

Now comes the obvious question, How come the arm that Obi-wan cut off in the Cantina bleed?
As for that, I have no idea.

I wanted to thank you Lord Vader for an excellent blog. While it is not quite how I imagined Vader, the blog is still very well written.

Regards,
Your long time Admirer.

7.5.05  
Anonymous Kosh N. said...

It is strange, but I myself have learned more wisdom than form a backwards planet which to you is a world a long, long time from now in a galaxy far, far away… than any place else.

What doesn’t kill a man only make him stronger….
…Unknown, Solaris 3a, E’arth

Spare the whip, spoil the child…
….Middle-Eastern Prophecy, E’arth

You have much to teach, and much to learn.

…fear is the mind-killer, it is the little death that brings total obliteration…
….Part of a Bene Gesserit Litany against Fear, E’arth and Arakis

What do you have to fear?

Yours;
Amb. K. Naranek

7.5.05  
Anonymous Admiral Blogspot said...

Reading this blog will keep me until May 19th !!!

7.5.05  
Anonymous Mars said...

It's ALL Jar Jar's fault. If only you tied his long tounge into many nice little knots.

He-He-He-Ha-Ha-Ha.

And you told your Son the he didn't know the Power of the dark side of the force. HA!

7.5.05  
Anonymous Mars said...

It's ALL Jar Jar's fault. :D You should have tied his Long tounge into a nice little knot.

Ha-Ha-Ha.

And you told your Son the he didn't know the Power of the dark side of the force.

7.5.05  
Blogger Gwinevere said...

LOL too funny! Good work :)

7.5.05  
Blogger -M said...

This is absolutely HILARIOUS!

7.5.05  
Blogger The Origin of MOFOs said...

Really great!! Amazing, how well you write!

8.5.05  
Blogger Benji said...

Fall of the Rubulic can all be traced back to that bloody Gungan.

He was the one who helped nominate Palpatine to become supreme chancellor. Stupid weak minded fool!

Then you hear nothing from him, i can only suspect that in episode 3 you find out the emporor has given him naboo to rule over.

I hate that Jibbery Jabbering Fool

9.5.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

The searing of veins by the extreme heat of a lightsaber is technically known as "cauterising"... or cauterizing, I don't remember which way it's spelled. As for the blood from the wound inflicted by Obi-wan in the cantina, remember he first lopped an arm off in a bar on coruscant (the shape shifting bounty hunter) and the wound was bloodless. The wound which DID bleed was on an extremely hairy individual, which probably resulted in a less than clean cut. Or something.

14.5.05  
Blogger Keely said...

Darth Vader is SO having a bad day.

16.5.05  
Blogger Jimbo said...

Well done old chap, as a Star Wars addict, this has quenched my thirst until I can find something else to read about Ep III

22.5.05  
Blogger Trevor said...

Lord Vader, you crazy sonofabitch! You rock! How many times has there been a day where I felt like cutting someone's hand off, jsut for spite! Oh, countless. Countless. And you had the brass cajones to do that. You magnificent bastard.

22.5.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Karooeeshka, Vin Damer & Floos
Solicitors, Barristers, Elders and Kra’veen
Serving the Dark Side for 2 Millennium

Alderan, Coursucant, Dantooeen, Nal Hutta, Sluis Van
Vid: 000-3211-33433-2121


Darth Vader, Dark Lord of the Sith
POB 1
Super Star Destroyer Executor

RE: VOV

Hand Delivered

Dear Lord Vader,

As you know, our firm represents you personally in the class action filed on behalf of the Victims of the Empire (VOE). I have recently been appointed due to the un-timely death of the previous head solicitor.

As you also know, a class action lawsuit under the name Save our Trachea (SOT), started by the estate of Lt. Commander Jareen, late officer of the Tantive IV blockade-runner, was filed a number of years ago. Shortly thereafter, Ms. Green-Organa, started another class action suit on behalf of the Victims of Alderan (VOA). As a result of the merging of the two classes, SOT and VOA, VOE was formed.

As a Dark Lord of the Sith and Heir to the Empire, we know your time is precious to you.
That is why we know you will be pleased to discover that at this time the plaintiffs are willing to accept a sum of 14 million credits, and an apology letter, for your share of the liability. We overstate the obvious by bringing to your attention the fact that this is much less than the 100 billion the plaintiffs originally requested. The VOE suit will of course continue against the Empire and Emperor Palpatine, but you will incur no further liability. Therefore, we will finally be able to put this chapter behind us and concentrate on current matters, such as the recently filed application for your child support arrearages.

In addition, you will be happy to know that you will not be subject to the restraining order, originally posed by the SOT, that would have forbidden you one of your favorite leisure activities.

Please contact us at your earliest convenience, as we know you look forward to prompt resolution of this matter. We only ask that you refrain from crushing any more trachea, and thereby adding plaintiff to the lawsuit, at least until we are able to confirm the settlement.

Enclosed please find our most recent charges, including our cost to replace our last messenger.

Best regards,

Rek Targoon
Assistant Solicitor

Karooeeshka, Vin Damer & Floos

23.5.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Memoirs of a monster... darth vader was a hero.

8.6.05  
Blogger Sir Talkalotofrubbish said...

Did you regret losing your blue lightsaber? Luckily, you have a red one as a replacement

9.6.05  
Blogger King of Controversy said...

Greetings, Dark Lord. I am K.O.C., King of Controversy. I have not read all of your articles on the Sith, but I will sometime. I study the ways of the Sith. In fact, what most Star Wars aficionados do not know is that the Sith was actually a species of black magicians. Dark Jedis were exiled from Coruscant to their planet. They used their Jedi skills assimiliated with black magic from the Sith. They became the official rulers over the Sith's system, thus the name, Dark Lord of the Sith. In those days, they were, 'Dark Lords of the Sith'. The 'master-and-apprentice' rule was not established. Read up on the Sith Wars and The Dark Lords of the Sith by Dark Horse.
Yours Rudely,
K.O.C.
P.S. I love your dedication to Dark Side of the Force.

9.6.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

wow... you sure do know your stuff on starwars

12.6.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

you sure do know you stuff on starwars. i was very intreged by the what you have written. i commemorate you, Vador.

12.6.05  
Blogger Sir Talkalotofrubbish said...

Too long winded. try to shorten it a little

13.6.05  
Blogger Sir Talkalotofrubbish said...

Too long winded. try to shorten it a little

13.6.05  
Anonymous some important chick in the alinance said...

i do not know were we are hidd-...

erk

awk
awk

*heavly breathing*

what about tatoone?

NOTE: i almost died

13.6.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This is why some animals eat their young.

27.6.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

And this is why some animals eat their young.

27.6.05  
Anonymous Count Dooku said...

Really, it was me, not that imbecile Qui-Gon. He's gon.


Tell the Emperor how much I hate him for getting you to kill me, Vader.


So long and thanks for all the fish.

P.S: Who is this Arnold Snortsnegger guy??? Whatever his name is?

11.10.05  
Anonymous Future Darth Vader said...

Lord Vader,
Reading your blog makes me think that your all the more Human than you think you really are. Although I don't like your methods(please don't crush my throat), you have something going. I was wondering if you could teach me the ways of the dark side of the force? I do have alot of anger and hate, so it would be fitting if I did join up with you. Lord vader you are unbelivable, and if I ever get out your way, I'll personally look you up. Remember this: Heros get remembered, but legends never die
Sincerely
Future Darth Vader
PS if you don't like the name, then find one that fits me.

11.2.06  
Anonymous Son of Skywalker said...

Dear Vader..er...dad,

I'm touched you think yourself an idiot, but next time, don't chop off my hand. It hurt like hell. Oh, & don't use Han & Leia to get to me. Send an e-mail to forceflow @hotmail.com.
Talk to ya later, I guess.

LUKE

22.5.06  
Anonymous Luke Skywalker said...

Dear Vader...er...dad,

I'm touched you think yourself an idiot, but next time, don't chop off my hand. Oh, & don't use Han & Leia to get to me.If you need to talk, e-mail me at Forceflow@hotmail.com.
Talk to ya later, I guess.

LUKE

22.5.06  
Anonymous Alexandr said...

long, interesting story.

16.2.11  

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